Comparison is the Thief of Joy
Compulsive comparisons almost always cause unnecessary suffering.
Part of what makes humans different from other species is that we have the capacity to plan, analyze, and judge.
This includes the ability to make comparisons.
Although the ability to compare can be a skill, it can also be a key cause of stress, low mood, and anxiety. Simply put, comparing can get us into emotional trouble and limit our happiness.
This brief article summarizes:
why we compare
how certain types of comparison can be detrimental to our happiness
a CBT-informed perspective on how to limit your comparisons to ones that support your well-being
Evolutionary Rationale
The capacity to compare was actually important from an evolutionary standpoint.
When we lived in small tribes thousands of years ago, it was necessary to compare and assess where we stood in the social order of the tribe. Our health and safety depended in part on being liked by other members of the tribe.
It was also important to be mindful of other peoples’ advantages. For example, envy could cue you to learn from the guy in your tribe who found a new watering hole ripe with fish. And, certainly, you’d want to be on guard of rivals who might be taking resources from you.
Modern Day Comparing
Fast forward to today - we carry with us the compulsion of comparing. Although this compulsion made sense thousands of years ago, it causes unnecessary suffering today. This is particularly true given the prevalence of social media and celebrity culture.
If you were brought up in an environment with consistently high (or even harsh) expectations from authority figures or caregivers, you might have developed an extra strong habit of comparing yourself to others around you. Constant comparing might have been reinforced as a good “motivator” or sign that you weren’t “lazy.”
Today, there are countless data points for us to generate comparisons on:
Is that person better-liked than me?
Is what they say taken more seriously than what I say?
Do they make more money than me?
Are they better at X than me?
Are they aging more slowly than I am?
Did they get a better deal on X than I did?
Did they do less work than I did before they got that promotion?
The emotions that often follow our compulsive comparisons are:
Envy - like longing for someone else's possessions or advantages.
Jealousy - like being suspicious or apprehensive of someone who we perceive as a threat.
Anxiety - like when you immediately start to make an action plan for how you can bridge the gap between you and someone else.
Sad - about something you lost or that you perceive you “could” or “should” have.
Doubtful - questioning how you did something after you perceive that someone got “a better result” or “more” than you in some domain.
Is there healthy comparing?
I’d argue that most of our automatic and compulsive comparisons are unhelpful. But, are there ways you can strategically use comparisons to your advantage?
I’d argue yes - there are specific forms of comparing that can make you feel positive emotions like gratitude.
Consider the attributes on which you are objectively fortunate. This could be in terms of health, income, relationships, or some other domain. For example, you could “compare” on the income domain and realize that if you make minimum wage in a Westernized country, your income is in around the top 3% of the global population, even after adjusting for the cost of living in a more expensive Western country.1 If this type of comparison helps you feel gratitude, then use it.
Fun fact - because of the way the human brain works, when reading the paragraph above you might have automatically also thought of domains in which you feel unfortunate. That’s OK - thank your mind for its suggestion and try to gently redirect your attention.
Also, in small, specific doses, comparisons can help with learning new skills. For example, let’s say you’re with a group of friends learning a new activity - golf, yoga, rock climbing, etc. - and you make an accurate mental comparison that your friend is progressing quicker than you.
And, let’s say you value learning that activity. In this case, you might be interested in using the comparison as a cue to see if you can learn something from your friend. Maybe you ask them for tips and they show you a straightforward technique that you like and that helps you. Great - you’ve just used a comparison to cue you to ask your friend about something that helps you do something you care about.
Let’s look at the same situation from a different angle. Let’s say that you don’t care about being better at the activity and you’re just there for fun and to socialize with friends. In that case, recognizing that your friend is better or faster than you isn’t helpful. In that case, you can thank your mind for the comparison and re-direct your attention to the reasons you are there - fun and social.
Grey Zone
Another way people think comparisons might be helpful to them is by using them to mentally “one-up” people. For example, let’s say you’re feeling down about something at work. You might, in turn, engage in a mental analysis along the lines of “well, I know for sure that I’m smarter than at least 8 of my co-workers”….and “I know for sure that I make more money than at least 4 of my friends…”
This can be tricky. I think there are situations where this type of data collection could actually be helpful to your self-esteem. For example, if you constantly underestimate your performance, doing this type of analysis could be a healthy part of making sure that you are viewing yourself and your standing objectively. In this case, it’s not an unhealthy comparison, it’s actually objective data collection to help your mind see things accurately.
This “data collection” is a key part of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). CBT works, in part, by helping you learn how to recognize biased and unfair thoughts and replace (or, restructure) them with more balanced and reasonable thoughts. The result is often a reduction in the loaded emotions that often follow unfair and unbalanced thinking.
This practice of challenging automatic thoughts with data has its origins in the ancient practices of Stoicism. And, thousands of years later, there have been countless clinical trials that support the effectiveness of CBT.
But, be mindful of the line between helpful data collection versus fragile dopamine hits that only reinforce the need to compare. Social comparison is often a distraction from the real focus of the game of life, which is to do as good of a job as you reasonably can in terms of living your values and your mission, regardless of how you compare to others.
A Word from the Buddhists
Automatic comparisons to others - although natural - are rarely helpful. They usually serve to take you away from your values, peace of mind, and your gratitude.
Compulsive comparisons almost always cause unnecessary suffering.
The Buddhists, in their ancient wisdom, were aware of this.
In Buddhist terms, comparing yourself to others results in ideas of:
‘I am better than’ or
‘I am equal to’ or
‘I am inferior to’
All of these are forms of ‘I making’ and are obstacles to liberation.2
In sum, it doesn’t matter what other people have, are doing, or are achieving. Comparisons serve a very limited purpose:
Comparisons that help you learn from others in small specific doses - about things you actually care about - can be good.
Comparisons that are part of “data collection” that help you be reasonable and fair to yourself can be good.
Comparisons that enhance gratitude can be good.
Other than these specific use cases, notice when your mind is making unhelpful comparisons.
Be patient with your mind because it’s doing what it’s wired to do, and then gently redirect to what matters - your values, your focus, and your mission.
https://www.givingwhatwecan.org/how-rich-am-i?income=&countryCode=USA&numAdults=1&numChildren=0
Adapted from Alan Chiu: https://www.quora.com/What-does-Buddha-say-about-comparing-yourself-to-others