A (Detailed) Guide to Self-Compassion (for Skeptics)

I've seen too many people (myself included) benefit from understanding functional self-compassion not to write more about it.

Intro

Self-compassion can be a frustrating concept for a lot of people. Some people like the idea of it but have a hard time executing on it. Some people (especially if you have schemas that make you unnecessarily hard on yourself) find the term itself rather off-putting.

A lot of clients I work with initially feel that self-compassion is on a “slippery slope” that leads to unaccountability or laziness. I personally used to think it was “too soft” and “just didn’t resonate with me.”

Rest assured, I’ve never worked with a client who went from harsh self-critic to lazy or soft or unaccountable due to some form of runaway self-compassion.

I have, however, worked with many clients who were paralyzed by their harsh inner criticisms and who, in turn, had difficulty doing the things they value. And, who were quite unhappy. I’ve seen clients for whom this almost feels like a badge of honour, like “Yah, I’m unhappy but at least I’m not soft and lazy.”

Some folks of that ilk are executives and professionals who eventually saw that they could be self-compassionate and be high functioning and have a life outside of work.

I know that sounds too good to be true.

First, let’s be clear for the skeptics: self-compassion has a real branding problem. Despite the efforts of people like Kristin Neff¹, the term itself - I admit - does feel a bit mushy. So, although I will continue to use the term, let me be clear on how I am conceptualizing self-compassion:

Self-compassion means noticing when you’re judging and criticizing yourself for some perceived shortcoming or failure (big or small). Believe me, it's hard to catch yourself doing that, because it often feels automatic and natural (even "helpful") to self-criticize.

Several times a day, your mind will judge you as somehow “messing up” or “not having done well enough.” You might feel a sense of having failed or a sense of shame. 

In response, “doing” self-compassion requires you to: 

(1) Accept that you’re probably not perfect (although you might be trying to be).

(2) Stop yourself from instantly believing whatever judgment your Inner Critic serves you with. 

(3) Speak to yourself in a reasonable way that factors in your emotional needs and actually helps you be happier and more effective.

This article explains in greater detail how you can pull off the steps above.

Self-compassion is hard. Part of the challenge comes from the fact that your mind and body feel under threat in response to perceived shortcomings and inadequacies. So, at the very moment in which you need to challenge your inner criticisms, you’re also feeling strong emotions (threat- or hopelessness-related emotions).

What Self-Compassion is Not

Having given a general (and admittedly vague up to this point) idea about what self-compassion is, let me clarify what it is not. This is especially important for the skeptics. Here is what self-compassion is not²:

1. Not Self-Pity: Self-compassion isn't feeling sorry for yourself. It's realizing that everyone faces difficulties and avoiding the "I'm the only one suffering" trap that self-pity creates.

2. Different from Self-Indulgence: Self-compassion isn't indulging every desire. It's about making choices that truly benefit your well-being in the long run, even if they're not always enjoyable in the moment.

3. Different from Self-Esteem: Self-compassion is different from self-esteem. Self-compassion means treating yourself reasonably and understanding your imperfections without needing to feel superior to others. It's not about depending on successes or external factors for your self-worth.

Voices (aka Modes) Involved in Self-Compassion

What we need to do at this stage is outline the different voices³ in your mind that play a role in self-compassion.

The key voices involved here are:

1. The Compassionate Self

Your Compassionate Self might be pretty quiet, in which case we have some work to do in bringing it to the forefront.

In reality, your Compassionate Self is about more than just self-compassion - it’s about living your values and doing what you find meaningful and important in your life. Self-compassion and values are linked because in order to actually live the life you want to live, you’re going to need a strong self-compassionate voice that can prevent you from getting derailed by other prominent voices (see points 1 and 2 below).

Your Compassionate Self represents your healthy, compassionate, adult self. This mode has absolute clarity on your values and needs. The Compassionate Self knows just what to say to the Inner Critic and the Vulnerable Child (again, see points 1 and 2 below).

Let me clarify though - you don’t need to have that clarity or skill at the moment. The Compassionate Self is an aspirational image (perhaps yet to be developed) of someone who has that clarity and skill. We’ll talk more herein about developing your Compassionate Self.

The Compassionate Self is not a weak, pushover mode. It’s a highly in-tune, highly functional mode that helps you achieve without burning yourself out.

2. The Inner Critic Voice

Your Inner Critic is great at a few things:

• Being demanding: it forces high and unrelenting standards upon you.

• Being punitive: it berates and condemns you.

• Inducing guilt and shame: it magnifies and encourages feelings of guilt and shame.

• Causing thoughts of inadequacy: it amplifies thoughts of inadequacy and self-doubt, encouraging you to believe that you are flawed or unworthy.

• Exploiting your fear of failure: it tells you that you need to listen to it so that you don’t somehow “fail” or “screw up.”

Your Inner Critic relies on some of these tactics more often than others. They’re all counterproductive. Your Inner Critic would argue that you need them to “keep you accountable.” Accountability is important, but it’s your Compassionate Self that should be in charge of supporting you in being accountable.

The origins of the Inner Critic often lie in early experiences of demanding, critical, or even neglectful parents or other authority figures (teachers, coaches, other family members, etc). These experiences can foster the internalization of unreasonable standards, harsh self-judgment, and excessive guilt and shame that persist into adulthood.

Sometimes people deal with the Inner Critic by overcompensating⁴ for perceived inadequacies or weaknesses. This often stems from feelings of insecurity or unworthiness and leads the person to strive excessively for success, achievement, or recognition to prove their value to themselves and others.

Sometimes people deal with the inner critic by avoiding or procrastinating. Because the commands of the Inner Critic are so unreasonable and unrealistic, it’s often more workable to just “check out.”

This is why a lot of clients I see who have a harsh Inner Critic often give me examples of how they’re actually “lazy” or “procrastinate a lot.” Often it’s as if they’re using those examples to try to convince me and themselves that self-compassion is not appropriate because it would simply make them “more unaccountable.”

Note that you can both overcompensate and avoid (or “check out”) in response to your Inner Critic. You use different coping strategies in different situations.

3. The Vulnerable Child Voice

Addressing your inner Vulnerable Child voice is the hardest part of self-compassion. A lot of advice on self-compassion addresses the Inner Critic (or an equivalent of it) but doesn’t get to dealing with the Vulnerable Child.

A lot of people logically “get” the idea of not being so hard on themselves. They can logically counter the Inner Critic. But, what often happens is that the Vulnerable Child goes unaddressed. The Vulnerable Child represents your internal emotional reactions, including fear, anxiety, hurt, upset, and even anger.

These are emotions in response to which we need(ed) comfort, acceptance, safety, and nurturing.

For me, the use of the term “child” is not pathologizing or patronizing. This voice mirrors the emotions experienced during childhood, especially times when emotional needs weren’t adequately met, leaving you feeling unprotected and emotionally exposed. Our big emotional responses are connected to childhood experiences when our attachment needs were most critical.

The Vulnerable Child is typically triggered by situations that evoke feelings of insecurity, rejection, or perceived threat to emotional safety. Interpersonal conflicts, criticism, or situations where you feel abandoned or isolated can activate this voice and the emotions that come with it.

You might have a strong inner Vulnerable Child. If you don’t know how to soothe and support your Vulnerable Child, often what can happen are things like:

• “Hiding” yourself by withdrawing from other people or avoiding scary social interactions. Think of a shy or scared child locking themselves in their room or hiding in the closet in fear of a “monster.”

• Big emotions in the face of perceived disapproval from others or feeling like you can’t handle criticism. Picture a child who feels criticized or in trouble, beginning to cry out of a place of fear, rejection, or perceived disapproval.

• Becoming jealous, angry, or hurt when comparing yourself to others. Picture a child feeling hurt at seeing other kids get rewards or attention, perhaps like in a case where the child is “kicked out” of a friend group or not chosen for a desired activity.

• Lashing out (internally or externally). This could include large bursts of anxiety, panic, or anger. Picture a child becoming overcome by anxiety in the face of having to do something scary (picture that all-absorbing “hyperventilating cry”) or conversely, a child lashing out verbally or physically in the face of not getting their way.

• Numbing or engaging in unhealthy self-soothing. This can be another form of “checking out” of life and numbing with things like too much TV, binge eating, or excessive reliance on alcohol/cannabis. Often, the behaviors can be similar in childhood - picture a kid who is playing video games and isolating too much, not for fun, but because they feel scared and overwhelmed by socializing or school. Or, a child with similar fears who finds comfort in food.

Again, none of the above are meant to be patronizing or pathologizing. We all have our inner Vulnerable Child. Some situations will activate it more than others. We also all have our go-to, not-so-healthy coping strategies, whether that’s isolating, ruminating, numbing, or avoiding. Or, sometimes just getting straight-up overwhelmed by emotions in a way that makes us feel out of control, like when something scary or overwhelming happened when you were a kid. That actually still happens to me sometimes when I get an activating email or text.

I don’t want to make it seem like the Vulnerable Child is only active in the face of unpleasant events. One of the biggest places the Vulnerable Child gets activated is when you’re thinking about doing something you really want to do and value. Think about reaching out to a friend, trying something like dating, sending your kid to school, trying a new sport or new social group - these are all values-based behaviours that activate that inner Vulnerable Child too!

More on “moving towards” your values below.

A Recap Up to This Point

To summarize: you have 3 predominant voices (or, modes) that form part of you. These voices dictate your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours at any given time. Different voices will be more active than others depending on the situation. As outlined above, the 3 predominant modes are:

• The Compassionate Self (aka Values-Based Self)

• The Inner Critic

• The Vulnerable Child

Let’s be clear: we want the Compassionate Self in charge as much as possible.

Each of the voices refer to distinct emotional states or parts of your personality that can emerge in response to different situations and triggers. Each represents a pattern of thinking, feeling, and behaving that is linked to deeply ingrained emotional and cognitive patterns developed during childhood.

A lot of us grew up in environments that led to the development of a very strong Inner Critic or Vulnerable Child. These modes are often related to unresolved emotional needs from the past and can influence your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors in the present.

Some people grew up in environments that encouraged the development of a strong Compassionate Self. These fortunate folks were taught how to be self-compassionate early on. They know how to both strive and achieve, but also where to draw the line and say “good enough.” They know how to be proud of themselves, find healthy ways of self-soothing, and of asserting their needs in relationships.

If you’re like me, you didn’t magically grow up with a super strong Compassionate Self. Maybe you feel so out of touch with the idea of a compassionate, values-based way of talking to yourself that it feels like a foreign concept. You can change that - you can learn to develop that compassionate, values-based voice. This is what we’re working on here.⁵

So, to recap, we agree that ideally at most times it’s your Compassionate Self that is running your life. If you’re not used to having your Compassionate Self in charge, there is going to be a lot of opposition from the Inner Critic and Vulnerable Child as you practice this, and that’s OK.

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Voices on the Bus

To make this more tangible, I want you to picture your “self” (the body you inhabit but not necessarily your personality or inner voices) driving a bus. Let’s assume that we agree that where you want to drive the bus is toward your values⁶.

Essentially, what I’m saying is: assume that in any given situation you want to try to live your life in a way that is generally aligned with your values. I know this is hard if you don’t have a strong Compassionate Self that gives you permission to do so.

The type of stuff I’m talking about “driving towards” could be anything that you feel is important and linked to your values. Maybe that’s expressing your opinions, needs, or preferences even when it’s hard. Or, maybe it’s trying something new or scary. It doesn’t have to be something big or fancy. It could be as simple as showing up to work every day.

Other specific examples of values-based behaviours could include, but are not limited to:

• Moving towards a fitness goal by engaging in a behaviour like going to a new gym.

• Moving towards a social goal by engaging in a behaviour like meeting a new group of people to do something you think could be interesting.

• Asking for boundaries to be respected.

• Getting disappointing news without engaging in needless catastrophizing or unhealthy coping strategies.

• Taking time off from work or other responsibilities, even though it’s anxiety-provoking.

• Having a tough conversation with someone you care about.

• Compassionately relating to yourself after a conversation doesn’t go how you had hoped or something embarrassing happens.

• Stopping a behaviour that you no longer value.

• Doing something where you’re worried that big emotions could get in the way.

• Doing something you want to try even though you’re worried about what other people will think.

When you start driving the bus of your life towards something you value, you’re going to encounter internal barriers. There are going to be people (voices) in the seats behind you (the passengers) with a lot to say about the direction you’re driving the bus.

These passengers are your Inner Critic and the Vulnerable Child. They’re in the back seat of the bus as you try to live your life in a compassionate, values-based way. And, unfortunately they often dictate when, how, and where the bus gets driven.

As you try to drive toward your values, your Inner Critic might be insulting you or demanding more of you. Picture a toxic sports coach - berating the players, not giving them credit, always demanding more of them, telling them they’re not good enough, telling them that they’re lazy or incompetent and that they should be ashamed of themselves. This toxic coach even tells them that no one else would ever want them and that they should just give up. This is the way your Inner Critic might talk to you as you try to drive the bus of your life. How often is your Inner Critic kicking the seat right behind you as your try to drive?

Then there’s the Vulnerable Child. You’re trying to drive towards your values and the Vulnerable Child is scared. They’re bawling and protesting. They’re kicking and screaming. They just don’t understand where you’re going - it’s scary to them. They don’t trust the driver. Even if they’re safely buckled in with their favourite blanket and an iPad loaded up with Paw Patrol, they’re still crying and screaming.

It’s awfully hard to drive the bus of your life with this going on in the seats behind you. It can feel demoralizing or pointless.

What you need is for someone to come up from the back of the bus and:

a) Put the Inner Critic in its place. This means confronting the toxic coach. Picture a strong authority figure admonishing the toxic coach and explaining to them (forcefully if needed) that their behaviour can’t and won’t continue. The coach may complain, but they’re no longer going to be allowed to tell the driver when, where, and how to drive.

b) Soothe and support the Vulnerable Child. This means honouring that the child is scared. And, letting the child know that you understand that they’re upset. It could mean sitting with them for a while to build up trust and reassurance that even though they’re anxious, they’ll be safe and that they will be heard and honoured. It might mean taking extra breaks as you drive the bus to the desired destination in order to check-in on the child and soothe, support, and reassure them. But, this doesn’t mean letting the child run amok without consequences. They don’t run the show. And, it doesn’t mean keeping the bus parked until they’re perfectly calm. It just means that they feel reasonably heard, trusting, and comforted. Picture the person from the back coming up front and providing this to them. Over time, that trust and support will mean that you can more easily take the Vulnerable Child on bus rides - they will feel better-adjusted to it, more secure, and less overwhlemed.⁷

The “person” who knows how to do the two steps above - put the Inner Critic in its place and soothe the Vulnerable Child - is your Compassionate Self. You may not feel that your Compassionate Self has these skills yet (it might feel like they’re stuck in the back of the bus and that they never come to the front) but by letting yourself practice with this imagery you will develop a competent Compassionate Self. I want you to keep this image of the Voices on the Bus in mind as I further detail the Compassionate Self in the final sections below.

More on what the Compassionate Self Sounds Like and How to Access that Voice

Your Compassionate Self is the “character” who knows (with practice) how to tame the Inner Critic and find healthy, supportive ways of soothing the Vulnerable Child.

Your Compassionate Self has a number of qualities:

• Clarity on what you value, what’s healthy for you, and what’s important to you.

• Honours your right to be respected and get credit where credit is due.

• Knows how to be fair and logical, knowing what to say to put the Inner Critic in its place (being forceful - and/or using humour - if necessary).

• Is compassionate but can also effectively nudge you in the right direction when you need to take action or be held accountable. The Compassionate Self knows how to do this in a way that doesn’t feel punitive or harsh. When you don’t want to do something that’s good for you, the Compassionate Self knows how to give you just the right words of encouragement to help you do the thing in a way that doesn’t feel like a chore.

• Knows just what to say to soothe and support you. The Compassionate Self allows you to take breaks and find comfort, play, and relax when needed (which is way more often than your Inner Critic will have you believe).

• Gives you permission to be imperfect.

You don’t have to know how to do all of the above, but you do need to practice with imagining an inner voice (your Compassionate Self), who does know how to do all of the above.

Once again, I want you to picture a strong and respectable person talking back to your Inner Critic. Think back to the image of the Inner Critic kicking the back of a seat on the bus as you try to live your values (aka “drive towards” your values). As the Inner Critic begins criticizing, what would a respectable authority figure say to the Inner Critic? Here are some examples based on the different types of criticism you might experience:

In the case of you trying something new, the Inner Critic might say, “You don’t know what the hell you’re doing? Why are you even trying this? Look at you, you’re embarrassing.”

The Compassionate Self might say, “You’re being totally unreasonable. He’s trying something that he cares about and it doesn’t matter whether or not he’s perfect. And, actually, he’s generally a pretty competent person, so we’re not going to let you tell us where and how to drive. We’re moving forward whether you like it or not.”

The messages of the Inner Critic are going to vary. Sometimes the message will be demanding, pushing you to strive for perfection. Sometimes the message will be guilt-inducing, trying to make you feel inappropriate or disproportionate guilt. Sometimes the message will be punitive, serving you up with ways you should punish yourself for perceived failures. Sometimes the message will be shame-inducing, telling you that you’re defective or inherently flawed. Sometimes the message will be a mixture of all of the above.

It’s imperative that you practice visualizing an authority figure talking back to the Inner Critic. Again, the voice of an authority figure who can be “firm but fair” to the Inner Critic represents your Compassionate Self.

Talking back to the Inner Critic is an act of self-compassion. The more you practice with this visualization, the more you will find that you naturally tap into your Compassionate Self. Living your values with ease becomes your more natural default and you’ll find that you can more readily deflect the Inner Critic and get on with living your life and doing what’s meaningful to you.

Some questions you can ask yourself to try to figure out what your Compassionate Self would say are:

• If you could turn back time and have your parents treat you in a way that better met your needs, what would your parents say to your childhood self in this situation?

• What would a friend you like and respect say to you?

• What would a friend you like and respect say to themselves in the same situation?

Being able to stand-up to your Inner Critic is the logical and cognitive part of self-compassion. As I’ve alluded to above, starting here is good, but doesn’t go far enough. We also need to practice the emotional part of self-compassion which requires you to envision your Compassionate Self taking care of your inner Vulnerable Child.

It sounds strange, but the tactic I find most useful in getting in touch with my Compassionate Self is imagining what I would say to my childhood self. Obviously, my 9-year-old self wasn’t dealing with work demands and activating emails, so it’s not like I’m necessarily envisioning a child in these situations but I am briefly imagining a conversation with my childhood self and contemplating what I would say to him in tough situations. Believe it or not, the things I come up with are appropriate and applicable to adult life. They help me get on with living my life as well as help me recognize when I need to slow down and take a break. They include:

• It’s alright buddy, you can’t win ‘em all.

• Don’t worry, you can’t be perfect…perfectionism isn’t a good thing.

• Not everyone is going to like you…and actually it’s important to not strive for this because it will make you unhappy.

• You need to take breaks.

• Why don’t you call it a day and watch a movie?

• You don’t have to eat to the point of being stuffed (note that the compassionate voice can set limits and boundaries)…make sure you're getting enough though.

• I know you don’t want to x (eg work out) but just start really slow. What would it look like if you made it really easy on yourself? Start with that and give yourself credit for trying.

• It's okay to make mistakes; they're a natural part of growing and learning.

• It's alright to ask for help when you need it; you don't have to do everything on your own.

• Your feelings are valid, and it's okay to express them.

• You’re not alone; others have faced similar struggles and challenges.

• Mistakes don't define your worth; they're opportunities for growth.

• Be patient with yourself; progress takes time.

If the idea of visualizing and talking to your actual childhood self doesn’t resonate, you can, instead ask:

• What would I say to a kid that I like and respect? You can picture a child you know in the same situation. What would you say to them to comfort, soothe, support and encourage them?

Then take that advice and turn it inward to support and soothe your own inner Vulnerable Child.

You might be experiencing a lot of “yah, buts” right now or thoughts of “this is way too corny.” I get that and I used to feel the same way. But, how else do you explain and deal with the strong emotions and hurt we feel sometimes?

Most people will admit that there are a lot of times - especially when they’re activated - when they feel like their childhood self, at least internally. And, there’s good reason for that evolutionarily. We are wired to be optimized for our childhood environment. So, we developed emotional wiring that made sense dealing with the parents or authority figures or social situations we were exposed to early on.

I know of no better way of short-circuiting that entrenched wiring than tapping into the image of your inner Vulnerable Child and treating them with the care and support you would of a child. This doesn’t make you a child, it’s just a strategy for being an effective adult who knows how to manage the emotional wiring that comes with being human.

What the Compassionate Self Looks Like Externally

I know a lot of this may feel vague and foreign, even after reading all of the above. That’s normal if you’re not used to self-compassion and if you haven’t practiced with healthy ways of soothing your strong inner emotions and needs.

So, what does it look like to be self-compassionate? It’s not limited to the below, but here are some good signs and examples of actions or statements that represent self-compassion (be mindful of the objections your Inner Critic makes as you contemplate these things):

• Trusting in your ability to make decisions that are right for you, especially when you’re not sure what the right answer is. You don’t have to be perfect, just try to have an OK sense of what your values are, try to be reasonably ethical, and do what feels right. In moments of uncertainty, make your decision and “do the thing,” realizing that it will feel a bit anxiety-provoking. Give yourself credit and soothing. You don’t control the rest. You don’t control what other people think or do. And, remember that your values will often be in conflict with each other and that’s OK.

• Being OK with celebrating your successes. It’s not bad luck and it doesn’t make you lazy. You don’t have to feel amazing about every little accomplishment, but you should acknowledge the small wins (and the big ones).

• Doing social things without as much negative self-talk or self-monitoring. The Inner Critic will be there and the Vulnerable Child might be kicking and screaming, so go slow and give yourself credit for doing scary things that are aligned with your values.

• Being able to do work without getting caught up in unreasonable or perfectionistic standards. You’re probably a competent person whose “good enough” is very much acceptable and desirable, no matter what your Inner Critic tells you. The same applies to parenting and relationships.

• Giving yourself permission to ask questions when you need more info. Your Inner Critic might tell you that you need to “figure it out yourself” and “not embarrass yourself with stupid questions.” Not asking valid and legitimate questions just creates a cycle of spinning and trying to achieve without the necessary info.

• Realizing that believing your Inner Critic is not a winning strategy. I know it can feel “lazy” to not listen to the Inner Critic but it’s not. You’re going to burn yourself out trying to listen to it. The way you can make sure you’re not being too unaccountable or “checking out” in an unhealthy way is by making sure that you’re not doing too much numbing, social avoidance, or too much self-soothing with food, alcohol, or cannabis. Ask yourself, “Am I generally taking care of my and my family’s needs at the most basic level?” If yes, you’re far from being lazy or unaccountable.

• Being able to have fun and relax without needing to constantly justify it to your Inner Critic. Pleasure, leisure, and play are critical to a meaningful and happy life. Your Inner Critic will protest when you do these things. Do them anyway.

• Being able to try new things without needing to be perfect. Your Inner Critic has a sneaky way of rearing its head. Learn to make mistakes on purpose in the course of trying new or difficult things. It’s the only way to move forward.

• Being able to handle people not “clicking” with you or not liking you in some way without it necessarily meaning anything. You won’t get along well with most people. And, I’m sorry to say it, but there are some people who are simply disagreeable and even mean. I don’t envy those people. You’ll encounter them, but don’t put any stock into their “suggestions.” Put boundaries where necessary and work around these people (as you would potholes while driving) as you move towards your values.

• Related, accepting that as a human being, there will be times when you have to face disagreement, disapproval, or criticism. Your Vulnerable Child will make it feel like it’s the end of the world and your Inner Critic will say, “I told you so.” But, other than being a reasonable and generally ethical person, there’s nothing else you can do. Stand up for yourself when needed, but you don’t need to fight every battle nor do you, again, need to make anything out of every instance of disagreement or disapproval.

Final Word

There’s no one right way to do self-compassion. What I’ve done here is try to look at it from multiple angles and give you a number of examples of language and behaviours that represent your Compassionate Self.

What’s important is that you try to develop and pay attention to your Compassionate Self. Your attempts won’t be perfect, especially early on, but you need to have your growing Compassionate Self heavily involved in your life.

If in doubt about whether you’re “doing” Self-Compassion “properly,” refer back to the various examples in this article. If the way you treat yourself is in the ballpark of some of the examples, you’re probably doing a good job. You’re going to need to trust in yourself and your values as you play around with this new voice of your Compassionate Self.

1. Dr. Kristin Neff is a pioneer in self-compassion and part of the work herein is informed by her research. As an intro to Dr. Neff, you could check out her website: https://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/

2. For more, see: https://self-compassion.org/what-self-compassion-is-not-2/

3. I’m using the term “voices” as interchangeable with the schema therapy concept of “modes.”

4. For the schema therapy proponents, technically they would say that doing what your Inner Critic tells you to do is actually yielding to, or submitting to the Inner Critic (as opposed to overcompensating in response to or fighting against, the Inner Critic). The way I’ve used the term Overcompensate in the text is more intuitive and actionable in my opinion, hence the wording that some schema therapy proponents would say deviates from the model. This is also an opportune place to note that I have purposely removed direct reference to other common modes such as the Detached Protector, Compliant Surrenderer, and Detached Self-Soother. I have done so from a place of prioritizing putting forth an actionable, clear model as opposed to erring on the side of absolute completeness. This is not to suggest I do not find value or clinical utility in modes not explicitly referenced herein. I have also endeavored to paint-out a relatively complete model herein, which, I hope, adequately encompasses many of the traits associated with modes not explicitly referenced.

5. I should add that part of your Compassionate Self includes a Happy Child mode. This is a critical part of having a pleasurable and meaningful life. The Happy Child mode represents play - playing, frolicking, chilling, and being goofy. These are all important.

6. I’ll write more later about clarifying your values, however if you’re reading this you probably have a reasonable sense of what you value. You’re probably a generally decent, intelligent, competent person (even if you don’t always feel that way). Trust yourself. And, remember, that the trick is balancing living your values across different domains, like health, intimate relationships, social, work, parenting, community, spirituality, leisure, etc. Some days/weeks you’ll be servicing some of those domains more than others. That’s expected (and healthy). Just don’t neglect any domain that’s important to you (easier said than done).

7. If you’re familiar with attachment styles, you may notice that building a safe and trusting bond with your inner Vulnerable Child mirrors the concept of secure attachment.