The Power of Expressing Your Needs
A straightforward guide to having assertive conversations.
Expressing your needs is a powerful skill, especially in important relationships.
What if…
Being heard is possible?
Being understood is possible?
Having a say is possible?
Fears about how you’ll be perceived if you express yourself can hold you back from getting your needs met.
Assertiveness is the practice of genuinely expressing your needs.
I want you to discard the idea that you’re either an “assertive person” or not.
Assertiveness is something you can practice, not who you are/aren’t.
You have the right and the ability to do it, even if it doesn’t come naturally.
Learning about assertiveness is a core element of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and there’s a long history of research showing that it’s associated with:1
decreased anxiety, especially social anxiety
improved mood
increased autonomy
a greater sense of well-being
higher self-esteem
So, my goal with this article is to share techniques for expressing your needs.
Although assertiveness is relevant to routine day-to-day events, it’s most impactful when it comes to important conversations about your needs in relationships or at work. These conversations are the focus of this article.
The Four Communication Styles
Assertive communication is one of 4 primary communication styles. Before reading the 4 descriptions below, remember that these communication styles are something you do, not who you are. They aren’t fixed traits or personality types.
The 4 communication styles are:
a) Passive: Passive communication prioritizes others’ needs and is associated with avoiding conflict and suppressing personal opinions. This can result in feelings of resentment and demoralization, with needs going unmet. Passive communication feels safe and “polite.” In reality, it’s not rude to respectfully share your opinion. And, people may like and respect you for doing it.
b) Aggressive: Aggressive communication entails expressing yourself in a forceful manner, aiming to dominate or control interactions. This can lead to conflict and alienation. A lot of people confuse assertive communication with aggressive communication. They think that being assertive means “getting their way” or “winning” interactions (in other words, controlling the other person in some manner). This domineering approach damages relationships.
c) Passive-Aggressive: Passive-aggressive communication entails indirectly expressing feelings, often through sarcasm, subtle digs, or procrastination. This style creates confusion and frustration, as your true needs aren’t clearly communicated. Sometimes it feels productive or like you’re somehow “getting your point across” when you take a passive-aggressive approach, but it’s rarely useful. Someone who is passive-aggressive is trying to control the other person in some way (thus putting the “aggressive” in passive-aggressive), but they’re doing it indirectly.
d) Assertive: Assertive communication entails trying to respectfully express thoughts, feelings, and needs while also considering the rights and feelings of others. This balanced approach fosters open, honest, and effective communication, promoting mutual respect and understanding. When you’re truly assertive, you do indeed get your needs met more often, but your focus isn’t on winning or getting your way. It’s on what you control, which is openly expressing your needs and opinions.
Reminders for Difficult Conversations
Hopefully we agree that in most situations, an assertive approach is your best bet.
I don’t want you to get too hung up on labels though. Instead, let’s talk in practical terms about the “how to” of assertiveness.
In this section, I’m going to give you a list of techniques and principles for expressing your needs in difficult conversations.
The last thing I want is for you to think that expressing yourself follows a rigid set of steps - it doesn’t. Use what works, discard what doesn’t.
I want you to trust yourself. Assuming that you’re a half-decent and caring person, there’s a pretty darn good chance that what you say in a conversation - assuming you allow yourself to have the conversation - will generally be pretty reasonable.
Signal that you’re talking about something important
This can often be achieved by using simple phrases like “I wanted to talk to you about something” or “something has been on my mind.” Don’t overcomplicate it. Most people will catch on when you’re bringing up something important. Just be sure you’re not laughing or smiling too much when you’re doing it. A lot of us do this when we’re nervous and it can be confusing for the other person. They understandably might not know that the topic is serious if we’re joking or really “laissez faire.”
Explain that you value the relationship
Explain that part of the reason for having the tough conversation is because you value the person and the relationship. Tell them that you trust them (if appropriate) and that you respect them enough to be transparent. Tell them you’re trying to foster the long-term success of the relationship. Find common ground/common goals where possible.
Let the person know that it’s tough for you to speak about the topic
If you grew up in an environment where expressing your needs was viewed as impolite or unacceptable, being assertive likely feels risky. And, that’s OK. Again, you don’t have to over-complicate or hide this. Use simple lines like, “I wasn’t sure when might be a good time to bring this up” and “it’s hard for me to have these types of conversations.” You might also say, “it’s tough for me to bring this up but thank you for hearing me out, it’s pretty important to me.” This humanizes you and helps prevent the other person from feeling attacked or as if you’re flippantly launching into the conversation.
Don’t over-control your emotions (and it’s OK to speak about them!)
You’re not a robot. It’s normal to have some stress, anxiety, anger, or frustration when talking about something that’s important to you. It’s way better to accept your stress response than waste energy trying to suppress it.
Labeling your emotional experience is often helpful. It signals not only that you care, but that you’re a human being with needs. Depending on the situation, you may want to use broad terms to describe how you’re feeling like “concerned”, “overwhelmed”, “uncertain” or even “curious.” With people you’re close to and trust, you might find it useful to be even more specific about describing your emotions.
Explain how you don’t want to come across
This is part of proactively challenging the other person’s concerns. For example, in a work situation, you might say “the last thing I want is for you to think I don’t care about my job.” Or, “the last thing I want you to think is that I’m attacking you” or that “I don’t care about you.”
Avoid loaded language
Don’t make accusations or attacks. Watch out for “loaded” language like all-or-nothing statements, such as “you always do x” or “you have no respect for me whatsoever.” The world is rarely that black and white, and you don’t want to paint yourself into a corner with sweeping generalizations. It’s important to share your subjective experience, but try to do it with openness and a healthy curiosity.
Present options for what you’d like to see happen, but remain open and flexible about their opinion and potential solutions
A tone of healthy curiosity can go a long way, whereas rigidity is a form of control that can contribute to aggression or passive-aggression. At the same time, it’s OK (and often necessary) to disagree. You can’t meet everyone’s needs and they won’t meet all of yours. Assertiveness isn’t about getting your way, it’s about expressing yourself and being an active participant in your relationships. I find that it takes the pressure off to remind yourself that your goal isn’t to “win” assertive conversations. Leave the door open for new information. You’re not saying “it’s my way or the highway.” Yes, you have a specific need but you aren’t coming into the conversation with one single “answer” about how this need could be met.
Remember that assertive conversations can be tough for both sides
Don’t expect perfection from the other person. Instead, focus on what you control - which is trying your best to do a reasonable job of expressing your needs, while also being open to hearing the other person out. Also, remember that your goal isn’t to be liked or to make sure that the other person doesn’t get uncomfortable. The other person probably will be - at least at first - a little uncomfortable; that’s OK. You need to know that being able to tolerate this discomfort leads to helping you get your needs met and to a stronger relationship long-term.
It’s OK to press pause
After you’ve waded into a difficult conversation, the prospect of not reaching some kind of resolution can be uncomfortable. But, don’t force the conversation just to reach a “solution” if no good solution is apparent. You might need to have a follow-up conversation later to discuss it further. Above all else, try not to “blow up.” There are indeed times when you need to be firm and direct, but if you feel as though your anger is leading you astray, it’s OK to take a break. Likewise, if your anxiety is too high to engage meaningfully, take a break.
It’s OK to change your mind
Whatever you think or agree to at a certain time, it doesn’t have to be forever. Believing that it’s unacceptable to change your mind can hold you back from making commitments or from expressing yourself. Don’t feel as though your assertive conversations have to come to a resolution that you’ll stick to forever.
Most people will respond at least partly productively to your expression of needs if you follow some of the steps above.
You might be thinking…“ohhh, sure maybe most people will, but you don’t know my boss.” Or, “You don’t know my husband, he’s a real piece of work…he’s got no emotional intelligence whatsoever!”
You could be right - maybe you’re dealing with some very difficult people in your life. Even if that’s the case, the beauty of taking this approach is that it’s generally your best option, even with difficult people.
Now, this doesn’t mean that they’ll be instantly reasonable, but at least you’ve given them the opportunity to meet your needs.
If they don’t meet your needs after multiple attempts, you can plan your next move - up to and including leaving the job or relationship - knowing that you’ve stuck to your values and tried to make the relationship work.
On Moving Forward with Expressing Yourself
Assertiveness is about expressing your needs and boundaries without the intention of controlling others or always getting your way.
Part of “making it” in this world as a human being - especially in close relationships - is navigating the tension between your needs and those of others. In life, it’s perfectly acceptable to say no, to disagree, and to negotiate. When you open up about your needs and emotions, you give others more of an opportunity to meet your needs.
You’re probably a reasonable person. Trust your skill and your reasonableness. Practice gradually. Mistakes are part of the learning process. If possible, start with people you trust.
Also, recognize that you don’t have to be assertive all the time; practicing assertiveness involves knowing when to assert yourself and when to take a step back.
Your job is to focus on expressing your needs as best as you can. In a long-term relationship like a marriage or a long-term work relationship, getting your needs met is like an ongoing dance - a healthy push and pull. Sometimes you give and sometimes you take.
Assertiveness helps prevent you from doing all the giving.
You’ll see that, over time, most reasonable people respect you for sharing your genuine needs. And, you’ll often be surprised at how you can co-exist with others in a way that gets your mutual needs adequately met…but you won’t believe me until you try.
For a detailed review, see: https://www.sunysb.edu/commcms/psychology/_pdfs/faculty/Speed_et_al-2017-Clinical_Psychology__Science_and_Practice.pdf.
For more on the link between autonomy and assertiveness, see: https://scottbarrykaufman.com///wp-content/uploads/2017/01/Sun_et_al-2016-Journal_of_Personality.pdf
For more on the link between assertiveness and self-esteem as well as overall psychological well-being, see https://pure.rug.nl/ws/portalfiles/portal/6790197/Sarkova_2013_J_Appl_Soc_Psychol.pdf
Hey Jeff - thought you did a great job mapping the thinking and best practices out here. I appreciate your writing. Cheers!