18 (Evidence-Based) Habits that Actually Contribute to Happiness
The best-kept secret in psychology is this: we actually know - scientifically - what makes people happier. But we need to re-define 'happiness' first.
Humans crave. We either want to approach or avoid. Craving is suffering.
Buddhism says that suffering is driven in part by our desires and our attachments. So is it wrong (or ineffective) to “crave” happiness?
I used to think so. Well, kind of.
This article brings attention to one of the best-kept secrets in psychology: that we know which habits make people happy. There’s a growing body of “Positive Psychology” research demonstrating which habits actually contribute to happiness. This article is an introduction which does the following:
Explains how to think about and define happiness
Explains why - despite the research - it’s so easy to get distracted by other habits and goals (i.e. ones that don’t make us happy)
Provides an introductory list (a “cheat sheet” for your reference) of the research-backed habits that contribute to happiness.
Treat this article as a discussion piece. It’s an introduction to the habits that contribute to happiness. It isn’t a rigid list of commands. What I’m trying to give you here is a new understanding of happiness and a concise, actionable list of habits to integrate into your life. I also hope it can serve as motivation to give yourself permission to find happiness, meaning, and purpose in your life in a manner that’s both sustainable and research-based.
Although I don’t want to provide a rigid list of commands, I also don’t want to understate the importance of the habits outlined herein. Compassionately, I want to emphasize that they are not mere suggestions. They are evidence-based and time-honored principles that are known to contribute to well-being.
In the second half of this article, I provide a brief description for each of the 18 habits. I also include references to key studies. My goal in this article is to provide a concise introduction to each of the habits.
Before outlining the specific habits, it is useful to understand the background on why Clinical Psychology has often overlooked happiness and why happiness is so elusive (at least in terms of how we commonly define and pursue it). This background forms the first part of this article.
Background: The Role of Happiness in Modern Clinical Psychology
As a Clinical Psychologist, my training was built on assessing, diagnosing, and treating pathology.
My profession’s default focus is on helping people not be miserable. And, the evidence suggests that we’re actually quite effective at doing that.
I’m not saying that this is a bad or misplaced focus. There is a massive need to support people through abject suffering.
But what about thriving and flourishing? What about happiness?
It’s OK to Want Happiness (once it’s properly defined)
But, isn’t aiming for happiness an unhealthy form of craving? Well, it is if you focus on the emotion of happiness (and, likewise, sensations of pleasure). You can make yourself miserable by trying to directly create or control feelings of happiness and pleasure. Just look at addiction.
Defining Happiness
When I say happiness, what am I talking about? Am I talking about feeling great all the time? Walking around with a pleasant buzz every day? Not exactly.
A lot of work has gone into defining happiness. I like the way Positive Psychology pioneer Dr. Martin Seligman puts it. He actually didn’t love the word happiness. Instead, he embraced the concept of “subjective well-being.” He views happiness as having the following components, which are described according to the PERMA acronym:
Positive Emotion: This is what we most reflexively think of as happiness and pleasure. Think of things that bring fun, leisure, enjoyment, excitement, or relaxation.
Engagement: Being absorbed in activities that challenge and stimulate. This could be almost anything that brings you into a state of “flow.”
Relationships: Building and maintaining meaningful social connections.
Meaning: Experiencing elements of purpose and meaning in your life. Like engagement, there is no prescriptive list here: meaning could come from almost anything that gives you a subjective sense of meaning or purpose. But remember, it’s not about personally solving the “world peace” problem.
Accomplishment: Moving towards achievement of personal goals. Again, this could be virtually anything that brings a sense of accomplishment.
You’ll notice that nowhere in this list do you see: “Wealth,” “Money,” “Status,” “More Stuff,” or “Prestige.”
When I use the term happiness, I’m defining it as:
Happiness = an overall (though not constant) sense of well-being characterized by subjective purpose and meaning as well as relative equanimity1 and pleasure. Happiness is positively correlated with a life that is guided by a set of values and principles. It is characterized by respecting the line between what one controls and what one does not. Note that equanimity and pleasure are optional, however doses of these states are often attainable if appropriate habits are integrated.
Again, the “best-kept secret in psychology” that I want to emphasize in this article is that we know - based on strong evidence from psychological research - which practices contribute to happiness.
There’s an important caveat though. It’s critical to view happiness as a by-product or side-effect of structuring your life in a certain way. We shouldn’t focus on happiness directly. We should focus on the habits of happiness - almost to the exclusion of analyzing or monitoring our “level” of happiness at any given time.
Once focused on the right habits, over time you’ll likely notice positive changes to your levels of subjective well-being, equanimity, meaning, fulfillment, health, and/or positive engagement in life and relationships.
Remember, you can actually become consistently happier. This is a research-backed fact. I know it sounds cliche though.
I should probably also note that you don’t control everything. If you’re not experiencing subjective well-being it’s not a personal failure on your part. After all, a lot of the happiness findings are criminally (I’m exaggerating) under-reported in the clinical psychology world. Furthermore, your genetics play a big role in determining your level of happiness and approximately 50% of the population can be characterized as “low affectives” - folks who have a modest, at best, level of happiness and who don’t come by positive emotions or equanimity easily (or at all). Instead of these facts being hopelessness-inducing, I think they’re validating and motivating, especially once you realize that happiness is multi-faceted (it’s not just about positive emotions and pleasure) and that it’s something you can directly influence with science-backed practices.
I’m hoping that you can reflect upon, and change if needed, your relationship to happiness. I definitely have in my life and in my clinical work. I now have an empowering view of happiness - it’s not something that I have to analyze or control. This is freeing. But, it is something that I can influence.
By structuring my life and my habits in a certain way, focusing on the habits of happiness without actually worrying about happiness, I feel more in control of my own happiness, meaning, and purpose. Like the Taoist Yin and Ying, the whole thing is a bit of a paradox that we each have to wrangle with. What I’m hoping to do here is simply outline the relevant background and strategies so you can adapt your own relationship to happiness and to the habits that get you there.
When I began reading about Positive Psychology research, I was taken aback. It’s qualitatively different from the literature on assessing, diagnosing, and treating disorders. It has been an ongoing effort to further educate myself so that I can integrate evidence-based interventions from Positive Psychology into my work. My writings are one of the products of said effort.
Let me be clear though: I’m not disparaging or “throwing out” any of my training in addressing pathology. There are bona fide mental health conditions that benefit from proper assessment, validation, and diagnosis. This is - and continues to be - a core part of my work. Addressing bona fide clinical-level symptoms of anxiety and depression, however, is not mutually exclusive from helping people flourish, thrive, and attain well-being. Teaching the skills of happiness is part of a holistic view of the person.2
So, if we have clear research evidence on which behaviors contribute to happiness (as per the definition above) why is it so hard to be satisfied, let alone happy?
The Struggle Is Real
First, because we’re humans. We’re optimized for threat detection and reproductive success, not happiness.
Evolutionarily, we needed a stronger response to danger than to pleasure. As Social Psychologist Jonathan Haidt puts it in his masterpiece The Happiness Hypothesis, “bad is stronger than good…Responses to threats and unpleasantness are faster, stronger, and harder to inhibit than responses to opportunities and pleasures.” Or, put differently, avoid is stronger than approach.
For example, you’re wired to have a strong emotional response if you encounter something that threatens your safety and reproductive success (like a dangerous predator). The same goes for perceived social rejection and isolation (those were, evolutionarily, catastrophic).
You aren’t wired to have a super strong emotional response to enjoying a beautiful sunset. For our ancestors, sitting around after a hard day and enjoying the sunset would have been nice, but they had a much greater pull to avoiding catastrophes like getting attacked than they did for “blissfully chilling.” And, that’s why humans survived and dominated.
Along with being optimized for reproductive success, we’re also optimized for prestige. Prestige was good for our reproductive success. It meant getting more resources (the modern equivalent of money) or relationships (the modern equivalent of “likes”).
However, it ain’t 100,000 years ago. Things have changed, at least in our external environment. For those of us lucky enough to have reliable housing and food, the ‘threat avoidance’ and ‘prestige’ wiring is extremely outdated.
These innate drives are liabilities in the modern pursuit of happiness and equanimity. Add to that the fact that humans are actually really bad at predicting what will make us happy. I know that sounds hard to believe because it often feels like we know what will make us happy, but let me re-state: the evidence shows that we’re really bad at predicting what will make us happy.
Predicting Happiness
Affective forecasting and hedonic adaptation are two super-relevant psychological concepts that shed light on our (in)ability to predict and sustain happiness. Affective forecasting (pioneered by Professor Daniel Gilbert), refers to our capacity to predict how future events or circumstances will impact our emotional state (our “affect”). Gilbert’s work - to summarize briefly - shows that humans often overestimate the duration and intensity of emotional responses, leading to inaccurate predictions about how we will feel in the future, particularly as it relates to what will make us happy.
Not only are we bad at making predictions about what will make us happy, but for most things - especially money and material goods - we hedonically adapt to them quickly. Hedonic adaptation relates to our tendency to return to a baseline level of happiness despite life changes, positive or negative. This phenomenon implies that material gains (or losses) have a temporary impact on our well-being.
For example, imagine you finally get your dream car. At first, every drive is an exhilarating experience, and you can't help but smile every time you step into it. You eagerly show it off to friends and family.
But, as time goes by, you start to adapt to the luxury and excitement of the new car. The thrill of driving it becomes the norm, and you no longer feel that same level of excitement during your daily commute. Your dream car has become just another part of your daily life. That’s hedonic adaptation.
If you consider the totality of our innate cognitive liabilities like poor affective forecasting, hedonic adaptation, and evolutionary wiring, you can see that the deck is stacked against us in trying to pursue happiness…at least if we follow our default programming. There are so many distractions and pitfalls that we can accidentally fall into. Plus, our society magnifies those pitfalls by telling you over, and over, again that there are things you can buy that will make you happy. Or, by showing you countless pictures of people (sometimes people we know, sometimes others, like celebrities) who seem to have figured out the happiness equation. These factors make the traps even bigger.
That’s Not All
But wait, it gets even more difficult! So far I’ve alluded to the innate, biologically wired liabilities as they relate to the pursuit of happiness.
Beyond our innate barriers to happiness, we each carry environmentally determined problematic beliefs (aka “Schemas”) that magnify our suffering and pull us even further away from the things that actually contribute to happiness.
These problematic beliefs represent rules for how the world works and about how to go about getting our needs met. For example, if you’re brought up in an environment that causes you to have an approval-seeking schema, you’re basically wired to believe that focusing on what makes other people approve of you is, effectively, the key to happiness (or at least to survival). Similarly, if you have the self-sacrifice schema, you’re focused on denying your own needs and putting the needs of others first. See this article for more examples of the various schemas (like unrelenting standards, abandonment, and failure) and how they manifest.
As adult humans, our default is to live a life guided by our schemas. The trouble is that, like with our innate reflexes, following our problematic beliefs takes us away from the very things that we know make people happy.
What’s the Alternative?
If we’re not going to live schema-driven lives, what should guide our lives then? Our values. A values-based life serves as a compass away from our fears, innate thinking traps, and problematic beliefs.
‘Values’ is a tricky term to describe. To me, values are the qualitative principles and ideas that you want your life to be about. Your values differ based on your roles - you might be a parent, a friend, a brother, an employee, a community member, a teammate, etc. You have different values across the different roles and domains of your life.
So far in this article I’ve described the practices that contribute to happiness as ‘habits’. To me, the things that contribute to happiness are actually more than habits, they are values - a way of life. They are deeply held principles for living a meaningful life.
That said, there’s nothing wrong with the word habits. And, I don’t want to get into a linguistic analysis. Call the practices whatever resonates most with you: “habits” or “values” or “behaviors” etc. Whatever works, as long as we recognize that they are each evidence-based, time-honored and therefore ignored at our peril if our goal is meaning and happiness.
Semantics aside, let’s get into the values, habits, and practices that lead to a life of happiness. But, not before taking a second for a self-compassion public service announcement:
No one can perfectly execute on the values and habits that contribute to happiness. They are aspirational. Almost everything in us as humans - innate drives and schemas - run counter to the values and habits associated with happiness. If you treat the values and habits associated with happiness as a straightforward checklist that you “should be easily able to integrate into your life” (something your demanding, Inner Critic might tell you) you’re heading for frustration, self-blame, and demoralization.
Instead, treat the values and habits outlined in the next section as lofty principles to be mindfully and compassionately practiced, perhaps never to be fully mastered but to be gently, continuously moved towards as you build the reflexes to take you towards your values over time. As you practice these principles - if you do so slowly and compassionately - you will see the subtle ways in which they pay dividends, making your life more meaningful, smoother, less harsh, and more enjoyable over time.
Without further ado, please find below brief introductions to the 18 values and habits shown by research to contribute to happiness. When appropriate, I’ve merged related practices into one item. Going forward I will be developing more detailed guides for each value/habit. The list below is meant to provide you with a nutshell understanding of each of the concepts.
Note that the list below is in no particular order.
Cheat Sheet: Brief Descriptions of The Habits and Values that Lead to Happiness
1. Acceptance of unwanted emotions and sensations (including pain)
This is super hard to do in practice. But, think about it - trying to analyze and control your emotions and body is a losing game that sets you up for frustration and demoralization. (Try to) acknowledge internal experiences with less judgment and resistance. (Try to) make space for them.
This “making space” can entail zoning in on unwanted sensations and becoming curious about them, instead of resisting them. You don’t have to like uncomfortable sensations, but the goal is to become more curious about them instead of being reactive towards them. Being reactive often defaults to hatred of the sensations or emotions and trying to “make them go away”.
What if, instead, you invited them in and tried to make space for them even if they’re an unwanted guest?
It can also be helpful to think of strong emotions, sensations, or urges as ocean waves: waves of strong sensations will arise within your body, but over time they crest and fall, like ocean waves.
An acceptance-based orientation towards unwanted sensations and emotions will help you get on with your life and your values, even if unwanted sensations and emotions still occupy a seat on the “bus of your life.” This mindful and compassionate “getting on” often results in the sensations more rapidly dissipating than they would if you tried to directly control them.3
2. Gratitude and appreciation for the basics; minimalistic appreciation
First, make sure you’re not hitting yourself over the head with a “gratitude hammer.” Your Inner Critic might be saying, “be more grateful…why can’t you be more grateful?...what’s wrong with you?...you’re only grateful for a few things?...think of all the people who are suffering.” That’s not gratitude.
Gratitude is simply orienting yourself to things you feel fortunate to have received and acknowledging that a lot goes well in a given day, week, year, or life, even if it doesn’t always feel that way. It doesn’t mean you’re supposed to feel amazing every time you practice gratitude. You can practice with brief reflections on “what went well today” or picturing yourself having received something (support, kindness, a gift) from someone.4
For me, gratitude is directly linked to appreciating the basics of life. Earlier in this article I mentioned how we’re bad at predicting what will make us happy in the future. This might be most relevant when it comes to material goods and comforts. We often predict that certain material goods (or, for example, types of housing) will make us happier. After, we live in a consumerism-driven culture. The consumer “marketing machine” works day and night to get us to hold certain beliefs and make certain purchases.
However, the psychological research is very clear on this: Material goods do not lead to lasting pleasure and certainly not to lasting happiness.5
3. Identifying a purpose(s)
Cultivate a purpose or mission statement. Remember, this doesn’t have to be about coming up with a solution for world peace. It could be something like, “work hard, be a reasonable person, and do a good job supporting my family.”
You can have many different purposes, causes, or interests. For me, “special interest causes” such as truth, justice, and fairness (which are often described as values in and of themselves) form part of one’s identifying purpose.
It’s easy to take this way too seriously and use your “purpose” to constantly beat yourself up for falling short of your lofty goals.6
4. Self-compassion
Self-compassion is necessary if you’re going to live your values. Your Inner Critic fights for survival and dominance. Without self-compassion you’ll end-up living out the life your Inner Critic wants. This is disempowering and neglects your emotional needs.7
For more, here’s the detailed guide on the “how” of self-compassion.
5. Pleasure, fun, savoring, play, and exploration
Do you regularly take time to enjoy (or, savor) a good drink, engaging conversation, or beautiful sunset? Savoring moves beyond just pleasure to mindfully attending to and experiencing something. Lean into your Inner Happy Child (see this article for more on our internal modes, including Child Modes) and have fun, explore, be curious and creative, or take on little (or big) adventures.
Like with gratitude, don’t develop a “savoring hammer” where your Inner Critic tells you to “savor more!…why aren’t you enjoying this? What’s wrong with you, you’re gulping your coffee? You need to be better at savoring!”
By definition, you can’t take play, pleasure, or savoring too seriously.8
6. Exposure to discomfort
Modern CBT places major emphasis on exposing yourself to feared situations. With practice, you habituate to unwanted emotions. Letting the emotions in on purpose without controlling them actually allows them to dissipate. The practice of exposure also allows you to build skill in healthy coping and helps you “write” new, empowering stories (and memories) about your resilience and abilities.9
7. Mindfulness, especially in relation to suffering, craving, uncertainty, and impermanence
Mindfulness is probably the most important skill when it comes to equanimity.
I know that ‘mindfulness’ might be the most overused (and therefore most irritating) word in the English language. But please bear with me.
Your brain is built for identifying and solving problems. It does this automatically.
It also jumps around between different distractions (like our phones).
Mindfulness allows you to have power over your attention. See the latter part of this article if you’re unfamiliar with how to practice mindfulness and want a quick intro practice to follow. Don’t listen to people who say you have to do mindfulness a certain way. There are diverse mindfulness practices and purposes. The best mindfulness practice is the one you’ll actually do.
Mindfulness, in Buddhism, is a part of the path to liberation from suffering. But, even the Buddhists aren’t prescriptive on exactly how to practice mindfulness. More important than the specific practice is your intention and paying attention to the stuff that your mind in clingling to. Beyond just improving your attentional awareness, some of the key functions of mindfulness are related to the following (each could easily be a habit unto itself).10
Embracing uncertainty
Nothing captures this skill better than the Serenity Prayer. It’s attributed to theologian Reinhold Niebuhr, but its precise origin is a subject of some debate. It reads:
"…grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference."
For most people, the line between what you control and what you don’t is way closer to you than you think, meaning you control way less than you think you do. Give a decent effort, do some problem solving as needed, be a reasonable person, keep it reasonably balanced, give healthy little nudges when needed, and then have the courage to leave the rest up to fate (i.e. practice with tolerating uncertainty).
Embracing impermanence
Things change. Thinking or acting as if they don’t – or wishing that they didn’t – represents unhealthy craving and control.
It’s worth emphasizing that Buddhists view impermanence as a fundamental truth of existence. They believe embracing it leads to liberation from attachment and suffering.
Appreciating that human suffering is universal
A guaranteed way to increase whatever suffering you’re experiencing is to see yourself as the only person to be going through the given problem. Problems are a universal part of life. Without acknowledging this, challenges feel like personal failings unique to us. With this approach you end up blaming yourself and feeling alone and ostracized.
Instead, recognize that everyone has unwanted emotions, problems, “failings,” shortcomings, and bad luck from time to time. If your energy goes towards trying to gently accept these things without all the loaded judgment and self-isolation, you’ll create less suffering for yourself.
Eschewing craving
This is summarized in more detail here.
Caveat: Positive Psychology suggests that there are things worth “attaching to” or craving – i.e. the values and habits in this list.11
8. Mindful speech, assertiveness, and communication skills
Modern CBT places heavy emphasis on the importance of communication skills and emotional intelligence as it relates to dealing with others. You’ll notice that healthy relationships are a key part of a happy life. Communication skills help us get and maintain the very relationships that we need to get our interpersonal needs met.
It’s worth giving special attention to the social skills of assertiveness. If you’re under-practiced with assertiveness, this can definitely conflict with your needs and therefore your happiness. Note that being assertive is different from being aggressive. Many people think that aggressive people are assertive – they’re not, they’re aggressive and they alienate others. It’s not a recipe for the close, trusting, healthy relationship attachments that contribute to happiness.
Assertiveness is about feeling OK about expressing your needs and opinions. You don’t have to do it at every single opportunity (for example, if your friend really wants to go to McDonald’s for her birthday dinner it’s not necessary to explain why your opinion differs). But when you feel your needs aren’t being met and you feel it’s necessary to take action, assertiveness is a vital skill to help you exercise healthy control. It doesn’t mean you control the outcome, it just means that you do your part to share, mindfully and openly, your needs and opinions.12
9. Eschewing attachment to prestige and others’ approval
Humans are driven to seek others’ approval. This is especially true if we didn’t grow up securely attached or we learned that getting love and attention were conditional on being a certain way.
Add to that the fact that evolutionarily, we’re hardwired to seek some level of prestige because it was good for our reproductive success.
However, runaway approval seeking is detrimental to happiness. If we live our values, we will naturally attract others with similar values who appreciate our approach to life. In this sense, we have their approval in some way, but approval is not the goal, it is a side effect (one we don’t control) of going out in the world and being a reasonable, values-based person. If others disapprove of us in so doing, it’s unfortunate but we don’t change our approach or our values.13
This skill is also about not putting unnecessary stock in what others say. This requires you to frequently remind yourself that people can often be fickle. Dealing with irritating comments and getting annoyed by others is part of being a human. Dealing with other people isn’t always easy. Don’t see this as a problem to be analyzed or fixed.
I can’t end this section without calling out specific reference to the ills of social comparison. There is no question that comparing yourself to others is one of the “sins” (I’m exaggerating) of happiness and equanimity. It’s often tempting to do, but almost always leads to frustration in a way that disrupts your well-being.14
10. Awe, transcendence, and appreciation for beauty, arts, skill, or kindness
Awe is an emotional experience that often involves a sense of wonder, amazement, and reverence in response to something vast, extraordinary, or beyond your usual frame of reference. This could include appreciating and connecting with nature or the arts. Or, it could include appreciating athletic, moral, or artistic excellence. Allowing yourself to experience awe can contribute to a heightened sense of well-being.
Related, transcendence refers to experiences that go beyond the ordinary, everyday sense of self and reality. It often involves feelings of interconnectedness, oneness, or a sense of being part of something greater than oneself. Note: don’t get too caught up in analyzing whether something is “truly transcendent” or not.15
11. Moving towards flow
Flow is a state in which you're really absorbed in a task, often losing track of time. I get into states of flow when I’m writing and while engaged in problem-solving conversations with clients. When people regularly experience states of flow, they tend to report higher levels of happiness and life satisfaction. It's the sweet spot where challenge meets skill. To cultivate flow, choose tasks that match your skills and eliminate distractions.
There’s a link between flow and creativity. Engaging in creative activities, whether it's painting, writing, composing music, or pursuing any other creative endeavor, can lead to a sense of flow or accomplishment.
Like with all other emotions, don’t force it and don’t over-analyze it. You can’t force flow. But if something feels like flow to you, go for it. Don’t ask, “oh I’m not sure if this is really flow…is it?”
The point is to give yourself permission (and time) to do activities where you feel “in the zone.” Cooking, woodworking, pottery, writing, rock climbing…it doesn’t matter. Aside from possibly being linked to giving you a sense of healthy control and accomplishment, these types of experiences can have a meditative element that contributes to your overall well-being.16
12. Making empowering meaning from setbacks; post-loss or post-traumatic growth; growth mindset
People have an enormous capacity to be resilient in the face of challenges and even trauma. The research on happiness suggests that people generally return to approximately their baseline level of happiness, even after a traumatic loss.
An exception is PTSD. What is one of the causal and maintaining aspects of PTSD? It’s the meaning (or, story) we make from the trauma. Don’t get me wrong, there are bona fide physiological correlates of PTSD and I highly recommend that if you have or suspect that you have PTSD you see a qualified psychologist to assess and treat this.
Part of the treatment will likely involve examining the beliefs/stories/meanings you took from the events. Are the beliefs fair, flexible, and empowering? Or, are they rigid, punitive, and disempowering? We can ask these questions of ourselves in the face of any loss or setback and endeavor to write (quite literally: there’s important evidence that supports the utility of writing about traumatic experiences) an empowering story.
Any loss - traumatic or otherwise - is subject to meaning-making. When dealing with challenges, I encourage you to write (even if simply in an unstructured manner) so that you can literally get your thoughts “on paper” (on paper actually is more effective than doing it on your phone/computer in terms of cognitive processing). Doing so will help you assess which “story” you are writing about the events in question and whether it’s an empowering story.17
13. Healthy self-esteem; appreciating and applying strengths; accomplishments and mastery
Put this one in the “sounds cliché” category: identifying and actively exercising your strengths will build self-esteem and well-being. The problem is that when you’re down, anxious, and caught in Inner Critic mode, it’s hard to see your strengths. When you don’t see your strengths, you don’t use them.
When you recognize and utilize your strengths, you get a hit of competence and accomplishment, especially if you’re engaged in a task that is concordant with your goals and identity. By emphasizing your strengths and what you like doing, you foster an authentic form of competence that’s less contingent on external validation.
This one is a bit of a double-edged sword though. For people with high standards and a harsh Inner Critic, exercising their strengths in the context of seeking mastery or accomplishment can lead to an endless stream of pushing yourself unreasonably hard, never really feeling like you’ve done good enough.
The point is, yes, try to consistently practice skills that are important to you, both in things like work or hobbies, but also the skills like the ones captured in this list. Do it slowly and with self-compassion – that’s the path to mastery. If you can do that and give yourself credit for this slow steady progress in various domains that are important to you, you’ll be more likely to feel a sense of purpose and healthy control.18
14. Cognitive effectiveness and learned optimism
Challenging biases in thinking is perhaps the core skill of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT is the most widely-applied evidence-based therapy approach. It focuses on how our thoughts, beliefs, emotions, sensations, and behaviors interact.
A large part of CBT entails becoming aware of how biases or inaccuracies in our thinking disempower us. These biases and inaccuracies (and the behaviors they influence) contribute to feelings of depression, overwhelm, or anxiety. CBT shares some core principles with Stoicism, such as the emphasis on rational thinking, the role of beliefs in shaping emotions and behaviors, and the importance of developing coping strategies for managing negative emotions.
I find that challenging negative thoughts needs to go beyond just becoming “accurate” or “rational.” The most empowering approach to cognitive reappraisal is one aligned with what is called learned optimism. Many of us have learned pessimism. Learned optimism is about retraining your mind to consider optimistic alternatives and possibilities in a challenging situation. It’s not about “positive thinking,” it’s about recognizing when you’re defaulting to a pessimistic style of thinking when it’s not merited. By noticing when this is happening and purposefully applying learned optimism, you actually tune your attention on strengths and possibilities that you may have overlooked or over-emphasized if you let learned pessimism guide your analysis of the situation.19
15. Psychological flexibility, dialectics (including healthy selfishness), and eschewing shoulds
For me, psychological flexibility is about a few key elements: being able to see things from more than one angle, not being rigid with your standards or judgments, and adapting when something isn’t working for you. It’s “anti-rigidity” in action.
One of the thinking traps commonly targeted in CBT is “should statements.” Often, these relate to our Inner Critic and the ways we feel we (or others) “should” behave.
Shoulds – especially when directed to others or the world in general – represent an unhealthy form of control. Our sense of anger can often be wrapped up in beliefs about how others “should” behave.
Should statements have a key link to anger. We feel anger when we feel someone violated a rule (often a “should”). We have to be careful about which rules and shoulds we hold ourselves and others to.20
16. Satisficing vs maximizing
Satisfice is one of my favorite terms. It’s a blend of the words satisfactory and sufficient.
Satisficing is a way better alternative to the more perfectionistic concept of "maximizing." Think of maximizing as that drive to always get the absolute best, whereas satisficing is about strategically identifying what is good enough (i.e., both satisfactory and sufficient).
Once in a while, maximizing is desirable. But, it’s a super power that has to be used sparingly. And why is that? Well, it’s because satisficers are happier than maximizers. Take this to heart and notice when you’re “maximizing” at the expense of your happiness.21
17. Close relationships; healthy social interaction
Active engagement with other people and frequent social interactions are linked to higher levels of happiness and life satisfaction. So much so that the research supports living like an extrovert. Even introverts who say they don’t want or need the social interaction have been found to be happier when “Acting as if” they are extroverts. I wouldn’t take this too, too seriously if you’re an introvert but I’d recommend that when in doubt, err on the side of more social interaction instead of less. Even relatively brief interactions can be good for well-being.
Related, when it comes to your inner circle, Positive Psychology shows, unsurprisingly, that they’re important, even if you just have one or two close, trusting relationships.
Embrace those you are genuinely close with. If you feel you don’t have a few close social supports, it’s worth every ounce of effort that goes into seeking out one of these connections. Remember, you’re not supposed to connect with most people. Even if you don’t genuinely connect with 99.5% of people, that’s fine! It just takes a few close connections to make all the difference in well-being.
It’s worth acknowledging that I know that these days, starting new relationships takes work. Like, a lot of work. It’s harder than ever to genuinely connect with others, but it’s worth it.
The capacity to trust, love, and be loved (or, to “like and be liked” in platonic contexts) is important and worth cultivating.22
18. Acts of kindness
It's refreshing to know that something as simple as kindness can increase our happiness. Studies have consistently shown that performing acts of kindness can lead to a noticeable boost in happiness. When you engage in acts of generosity, your brain releases chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin, which are associated with pleasure, connection, and overall well-being.
Practicing kindness doesn't have to be extravagant or time-consuming; even small, daily acts like holding the door for someone, offering a sincere compliment, or lending a helping hand can give you - the giver - the positive effects.23
A Final Word
There is much more that could be said about each of the 18 values and habits listed above. Remember, this is just an introductory list. Don’t treat it as a list of commands to be rigidly adhered to.
I’m in the process of developing expanded guides for each of the 18 values and habits.
In the meantime, I suggest literally scheduling in time for 2 or 3 of the habits listed herein.
For example, this could entail 5 minutes a day on gratitude, mindfulness, or giving yourself credit and acknowledging your strengths.
It could be finding an hour or two for an activity that brings you pleasure, that’s tied to your strengths or interests, and that possibly leads to flow, like making time for a new (or old) hobby or sport.
That said, other habits can be integrated more on the fly, like savoring foods or finding awe in nature or in the development of your children (if you have kids).
You may want to place special priority on connecting with others, giving yourself permission to connect with someone you value, for no other reason than spending unstructured time together.
If you can’t find time to connect in person this week, keep acts of kindness in mind and consider sending a text with a compliment to a friend or family member.
No single one of these habits needs to be complicated, but it is important that you begin to find ways to integrate some of them if you are feeling disconnected from your values or your happiness.
My hope is that you can experiment - purposefully - with these habits. The goal is to compassionately practice letting your life be guided by your values as opposed to the “shoulds” and “supposed tos” that come from your inner critic.
Great list. I am more leaning towards #6 Discomfort as much as I can. I read the likes of David Goggins, Mark Manson, Michael Easter, these are all figures telling us that much of life's key is in discomfort. It's our greatest teacher and can bring us happiness when reframed. Thanks for writing this, I just subscribed.
People have wondered about the key to happiness for centuries. This article is an excellent answer to that question. Very fun to read!